Recent despondency

This week I felt really despondent. The whole thing started when I heard of an acquaintance’s death at a very young age. Just around my age, I supposed. And I thought a lot about death or the process toward death. Not in a suicidal way, don’t worry. But I saw our world is aging. The air is highly polluted, the forests are bald, the icecaps are melting. I just felt so sad. Or even more, afraid. I saw people got old and weakened and became sickly. On one hand, I thought those people are lucky for being able to get old, but on the other hand I felt sorry for the lengthy painful process they experience. And I realized that one day I must experience the same thing. But I don’t want to die young. No! I believe there are things I can do to make a difference. Besides, I don’t want to let myself fall into uselessness and hopelessness. But yet some part of me cried in despair. Is there any hope left? Or death really haunts us like shadow for it is unavoidably near?

And then I thought of love. Or more precisely, romance. The images around us picture a happily ever after life with everyone meet the so-called “soul mate” and discover a true romantic love. A lot of people believe this images to be true. But I have doubts. Will there ever be a true love so strong like in the stories? The romantic relationship and love at first sight? Honestly, I don’t believe in all those stuffs. I see relationships as contractual in the beginning. Probably love will grow between them, more as a friendship sort of thing. As a spice, there is passion as well, lust and desire for bodily contact. But is it love? I became so skeptic.

All these feelings almost overwhelmed me like smog. I shiver out of fear…

But then I knew what my problem was. I worried too much about the future, about greater things that are beyond my control. It’s just so strange, but I tried so hard to focus on what’s in front of me. What was I thinking to think about all the other too important things that are beyond my comprehension? And it strikes me that for one time in my life I said to myself that I should not bother greater issues. For one time in my life I told myself to focus on the plate in front of me.